Living in Paranoia

You know that expression "Some days your the pigeon and other days your the statue"? Well today I definitely feel like the statue. I don't get down very often, but the uncertainty of Dominic's medical condition is starting to wear on me. The past week he has been crying a lot. Nothing I do seems to console him. He cries while feeding and often throws up during and after feeds. His voice is often hoarse and he sounds congested. Classic acid reflux symptoms.

Of course my first instinct was to take him to the doctor and have him put on medication, but I decided to do a bit of research before resorting to pharmaceuticals. Everything I read said that unless there is a failure to thrive, excessive crying or the acid reflux is causing feeding issues it is best not to medicate an infant under 12 months and to try and solve the problem with positioning and changing the mother's diet. Yesterday that seemed like a good idea, but after another day of inconsolable crying regardless of positioning I decided to take him to the doctor. She said his symptoms could be one of two things - severe acid reflux or a lactose intolerance. She prescribed an acid neutralizer to see if there is any improvement in his condition and if that does not alleviate his symptoms then I need to cut all dairy out of my diet - quite a feat for a vegetarian.


When I took the prescription to the pharmacy, the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told her the day and year, 1979, to which she said "1969, ok m'am". What the?? I know I have been under stress the past few days, but seriously, do I look 41? Yep, I'm definitely the statue today.

To top off my week Dominic's foot has been shaking - much like a dog's leg when you tickle it's belly. It doesn't happen for long periods of time, and it seems to mostly be due to positioning and pushing on certain nerves, but with the fear of seizures constantly hanging over my head this has been worrying me. I googled "infant shaking foot" and read a few threads where people have had similar experiences, but I decided to contact the neurologist to see if this is normal infant behavior or if I need to be concerned. I'm waiting for his response. I feel like I am becoming neurotic and stressing over every "unusual" movement Dominic makes. It's exhausting and I have another 8 months of this before we can get his MRI done. *sigh*

I really hope this acid neutralizer helps so that Dominic can be a happy little man again. It's so sad and frustrating to have a baby who cannot be consoled, and it breaks my heart that he is in so much pain. Hopefully when he feels better he will let me put him down sometimes so I can do things with Natalie because up until now he has been held by me, or in a baby bjorn, 22-23 hours a day.

And maybe tomorrow I'll be the pigeon!

My Parenting Style - Only Partially Crunchy!

I like to think of my parenting style as a Pad Thai...crunchy peanut pieces amongst regular rice noodles but a delicious spicy and sweet sauce covering it all. I have some crunchy tendencies, but I would definitely be outcast by those considered "all natural" parents. I think that is true of my life in general: as a vegetarian people expect me to be hippie-ish but I am really far from it. The truth is I am a hybrid! And so is my parenting style!

 Of course I always consult with my husband before making important decisions concerning our children, but he also knows I wouldn't suggest anything without being well informed and researched on the topic.

I love some aspects of attachment parenting. I carry Dominic everywhere in a carrier, I feel like a marsupial. He is so calm when he is close to me so I hold him and keep him close to me as much as I can. Whenever any mammal has a baby the mother keeps the baby close by - I don't believe humans should be any different. I believe in always consoling a crying baby - I do not believe in the "crying it out" method. I don't believe babies are capable of being manipulative, they cry because they are scared, need something or feel lonely. I believe that depriving a baby of your touch and closeness creates a nervous or hopeless child. I want my children to know that whenever they are sad or need me I will be there for them. I will never leave them to cry it out to "teach them to self-soothe". I think nothing is more destructive in breaking the trust between parent and child and destroying a child's self-confidence. Now if Natalie is just fussing or faffing I will let her be, but if she is really upset and crying that is a different story.



I believe in co-sleeping with an infant. I don't personally like the idea of a family bed long-term, but for at least the first 6 months I want my baby close to me and within arms reach at all times. Co-sleeping also makes breastfeeding much easier as I don't have to get out of my bed to feed the baby during the night. I can feed the baby while lying down, and because they are close to me they go straight back to sleep, which means my sleep is only minimally disrupted - everybody wins! Natalie has been in her own bed since she was 6 months old and she loves it in there. It just felt right to move her. We never had issues with her crying in her bed or feeling lonely and she has been sleeping through the night, roughly 12 hours every night, since she was 8 months old.


I believe everybody should try and breastfeed - woman have boobs for a good reason and it has been proven over and over again that nothing is better for a baby than good old FREE breastmilk. I understand some people cannot breastfeed for medical reasons or they panic because they have a rocky start, but I also think people give up too easily. It's a personal choice every mother makes, but I can't help but feel a little bit of sadness for people who choose not to breastfeed. It's so wonderful to have a way to instantly calm a sad or fussy baby, it's a great feeling to know you are sustaining your baby and packing them full of anti-bodies and it provides wonderful bonding time with the baby. Not to mention there are no bottles to prepare or clean and it is free!

I believe in vaccinating my children but I can definitely understand why some people are skeptical about it. However if everyone chose to stop vaccinating we'd have a huge problem on our hands, much like they have in certain African countries, so I think the non-vaccinators are playing a bit on the fact that most people do choose to vaccinate. I do think we overload babies' tiny bodies with too many vaccines at one time so I am happy with my decision to put Dominic on an alternative vaccine schedule with single shots. IF (yes, if) we have another baby some day I will probably do the same thing with that baby.

 
I only use all natural non-chemical shampoos, body lotions, sun block and bug repellents that are also paraben and pthalate free. I think all the hormones and chemicals we put on and in our children are a big factor in why we have girls going through puberty at 7 years old. This is the same reason I only give Natalie milk that is free from artificial growth hormones.

I use disposable diapers (*tut *,*tut*). This is a sore point for me. My husband and I are dedicated recyclers and we try to minimize the amount of waste we put into landfills. I tried to cloth diaper - my experience lasted about 3 days. I just couldn't stand revisiting the poop and having stinky diapers sitting in the house so I'd wash them daily - and they needed to be put through 3 cycles and then took FOREVER to dry. I think I used up more electricity and water in those 3 days than I normally use in 2 weeks. I found it stressful and way too much extra work. So I hung my head in shame and returned to disposable diapers - sorry Earth! And sorry to my babies for putting your butts in all those chemicals :-( I take my hat off to all the mommas who cloth diaper.


 I believe in playful parenting. My friend Sarah is a children's play therapist and she definitely inspired me to look into this style of parenting. It just makes sense that children communicate through play, they heal through play and the best way we can communicate with our children is by playing with them. I found myself yelling at Natalie way more than I would have liked when I was about to have Dominic. I was finding it hard to move around and started getting nervous about having a baby and a toddler - if she didn't listen to me when I had a new baby I may not be able to run after her and I was scared something may happen to her. So I became quite strict about her coming to me when I called her - well she was 18 months old so obviously she ran away when I called her thinking it was a game and I would get mad at her. I quickly realized how sad she became when I would scold her for 'playing' and I felt like I was somehow breaking her beautiful playful spirit. I started reading up about playful parenting and positive discipline and decided to change my approach to disciplining her. I love the idea of teaching her why she shouldn't do things and creating an empathetic human instead of a human with a broken spirit who has been told no or yelled at and has no idea why. I love the idea of communicating with her through play and diffusing tantrums and other negative situations with playfulness. It really works too!

I don't believe in circumcision - it is an outdated practice that has no medical benefit. It is often performed without anesthesia (just sugar water) and takes away a fully functional and very sensitive part of the male anatomy. Even medicare and medicaid have wised up to this now and will not pay for circumcisions to be performed as it is considered purely cosmetic. In 2005 only 37% of boys on the west coast were being circumcised and the numbers keep dropping.

I started off only feeding Natalie organic and natural food, but as she became pickier and pickier I found myself sneaking in boxed mac&cheese and hot dogs. We aim for a balanced diet but unfortunately we can't make her eat what we offer her, so to prevent her starving, some days she eats cheese, apples, hot dogs and fruit snacks. Some days she is a lot healthier and will eat what we give her. It's hit and miss but the last thing I want to do is to force her to eat anything and cause long-term food issues. I give her candy, cake and chocolate in moderation but I do limit her intake of unnatural foods and food coloring. Aspartame is a big no-no in our home. On a day to day basis we we only give her water and milk to drink, but from time to time she gets to sip some soda or fruit juice. I think balance is important.

We face new challenges with every phase that Natalie goes through and we are learning as we go and constantly changing how we deal with things. Dominic is still so young but I want to do all I can to make sure he also grows up well-rounded and happy! Natalie is just such a sociable, friendly and fun child and one thing I know is that I don't want to do anything to change that. I want to encourage her to play and be happy, I never want to break that beautiful spirit of hers.

Can a Heart Really Divide Love?

I am a nervous pregnant woman - I realize how fragile the whole process of cell division is and it makes me nervous. I get more anxious than excited when I have ultrasounds done and I sit by the phone waiting to get my results back when I have screenings done. The whole experience is stressful to me.


However, when I got pregnant with Dominic the thing that worried me the most was whether I could love another baby as much as I love Natalie. Could I really divide my love between the two children? I have often heard people say, when speaking of their children, "I love them all equally, but in different ways". Would this be true for me?

The simple answer I have found is 'No'. I have found that it is impossible to divide up my love amongst Dominic and Natalie. I love both of them with all my heart with the sort of love that only a parent can truly understand. The sort of love where I get sick and tearful at the mere thought of anything bad happening to them, the sort of love where I would not hesitate to tear apart anybody who harmed them. The sort of love where I think about them before I sleep, when I wake (because they are usually the ones waking me) and before I make any decision, be it big or small.

Do I love them differently? Absolutely not. I like different character traits in each of them but my overall love for them is the same. They both drive me crazy sometimes and they both make me laugh. They are both silly, mischievous and beautiful. My body built them and sustained/will sustain them for their first year of life - I find that so incredible and amazing. They are truly my greatest craft work....and I must give kudos to my husband for his small, yet essential, contribution ;-)

Natalie adores her little brother, she often tries to pick him up and play with him. If he cries she says "uh-oh" and takes him a pacifier or a clean diaper. She kisses him and hugs him and not once has she acted nasty toward him. Several weeks back I had both kids downstairs and I was changing Dominic's diaper. I had to run upstairs to get him some new clothes so I asked Natalie to look after her brother while I was gone. When I came back down he was covered in cocoa butter! This morning I caught her putting make-up on his head and trying to comb his non-existent hair. As if the poor boy didn't have enough marks on his face!

I was so worried she would be jealous of her little brother but that sweet little girl has done nothing but welcome him with big open arms and a big smile. I am so excited for them to grow up together and  despite it being difficult for the first few weeks, I couldn't be happier that we chose to have our babies close in age.

The Eighth Week

 
Yesterday our sweet little man turned 2 (healthy) months old. He has been doing fabulously - smiling, alert, rolling around and reaching for and grasping toys. However, this celebration of 2 months of great health was tainted by the knowledge that today he would have to get vaccinations - a day I have been dreading.

No mother likes to watch her child get hurt, but the actual moment of needle hitting skin (followed by tears and screaming) was not what I was dreading. Vaccinations have been known to cause seizures in infants with Sturge-Weber syndrome, and while Dominic is currently free from diagnosis, I cannot help but go on high alert and become a nervous wreck whenever he is subjected to something that may cause seizures.

The doctors visit went as well as I could have hoped. Dominic is now 12lbs 8oz and 23.5 inches long - in the words of the doctor "he is thriving". She also commented on how much the stain across his forehead has faded. He is alert, smiling, rolling over, his eyes are tracking and all in all he is very strong. Our pediatrician and I decided to put him on Dr. Bob's alternative vaccine schedule where vaccines are split up instead of being administered all at once. The controversial MMR vaccine is also split up and given as single shots instead of a combined shot. The benefit of this is that it puts less strain on the immune system and he is less likely to get a high fever which could cause a seizure.

Dominic only cried briefly when getting his first shot but he has slept most of the afternoon, which is really unusual for him. He is clearly feeling a bit grim but he still managed to give me several beautiful smiles when he woke up and I even managed to catch some of them on camera.

Little man will be going for shots every month due to the alternative schedule and his next specialist check-up is with the opthalmologist in mid-May. Let's hope he continues to thrive and get good results from all his appointments.